The moment most leaders fail - And don't even realize it

We ask people to be open. To speak up. To “be honest — we want feedback.”

And then?The room goes quiet.

Feedback gets filtered, watered down, or silenced altogether.

Why? Because people don’t believe it’s safe. Because they have learned how leaders really respond when feedback hits too close to home.

Here’s the hard truth:

Receiving feedback well isn’t just a personal virtue — it’s a leadership responsibility.

And yet, very few leaders master this skill.

The cost of getting it wrong

In a leadership assimilation session I once facilitated (details withheld for confidentiality), a new leader invited the team to share candid input.

The session felt brave. Even vulnerable.People spoke honestly.

And then... silence. No visible action. No follow-up. No sign that the leader had reflected — or even heard what was said.

The result?

·       Trust eroded

·       Credibility faltered

·       And the team thought: “Why bother next time?”

This pattern is everywhere — in business, education, even youth sports.

A club reshuffles a football lineup without explaining why, and kids (and parents) are left confused and hurt. Not because of the decision itself, but because no one felt seen or heard. (Curious? This theme also appears in Blog No. 1.)

Why it’s so hard

Receiving feedback is difficult — especially in positions of power.It can feel:

·       Personal

·       Threatening

·       Misaligned with your intent

·       Unfair or uninformed

Our instinct?

Defend. Explain. Dismiss. Freeze.

Even when we say “thank you,” our energy often says “not welcome.”

But here’s the nuance:

Being open doesn’t mean agreeing. It means:

·       Listening with curiosity, not ego

·       Taking a pause before reacting

·       Showing — not just saying — that the feedback mattered

Three shifts that make all the difference

1. Pause instead of react

Your first response doesn’t have to be your final word. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is:

“Thank you. I want to reflect and come back to you.”

That moment of humility can earn you more than immediate answers ever will.

2. Get curious, not defensive

Instead of:

“That’s not what I meant.” Try:“Can you help me understand how that came across that way?”

You don’t have to agree — but you do need to understand.

3. Follow up transparently

Even if you choose not to act on a piece of feedback, always acknowledge it:

“You mentioned XYZ didn’t land well. I’ve thought about it. Here’s what I’m changing — and here’s what I’m not, but I appreciate your perspective.”

This isn’t about pleasing everyone. It’s about building trust through clarity and care.

Tool in focus: The feedback ladder

Think of feedback like a ladder — a progression in how we respond:

1.     Ignore – pretend it didn’t happen

2.     Resist – get defensive

3.     Dismiss – nod politely, but don’t engage

4.     Acknowledge – say thank you

5.     Explore – ask for more insight

6.     Act – reflect, adapt, and follow up

You don’t need to reach the top of the ladder every time. But if you stop at Step 2 or 3? Others stop climbing entirely.

What if the feedback is biased or misguided?

It happens. Not all feedback is fair, accurate, or fully informed.

But your responsibility remains the same:

·       Listen fully

·       Clarify gently

·       Decide wisely

·       Follow up respectfully

Being open doesn’t mean being passive. It means being grounded in strength — not ego.

Reflection questions

·       When was the last time you received tough feedback? How did you respond?

·       Do you model what it looks like to receive feedback with curiosity?

·       Is there feedback you’ve been sitting on — and haven’t yet followed up on?

Final thought: Great leaders aren’t just good at giving feedback. They’re exceptional at receiving it. Because when people feel heard, they bring their best. And when they don’t — they quietly disengage.